negging/understatement as a form of humor/social manipulation/self harm

"Narcissism may look bad but insincerity looks worse." - Feminist Fight Club

Disclaimer and Purpose

This is not a Positive Vibes Only validation and I strongly believe that positivity culture is harmful. This is not saying we should all go around bragging about ourselves all the time because I believe that that will perpetuate systems of oppression and eesh I would be annoyed. This is about how there are a few patterns that are becoming more apparent to me in the way we communicate and some of my thoughts on potential harms and mitigation strategies around those patterns.

Pro-Social Behaviors

First of all, let's talk about humility. Humility in the sense of freedom from pride or arrogance as opposed to having low self-regard or a sense of unworthiness.

There is something to be said for not being too full of yourself. Having an inflated ego and constantly reminding people that you are great ESPECIALLY if it's not everyone's perception or if it is related to how you deserve special treatment/attention/etc. will make people not like you and not want to spend time with you. People with lots of power (social/physical/skill/whatever) often get recognition related to that which can be fine as long as other pro-social elements are in play but can also lead to fragility if they tie their sense of self to it (think narcissistic behaviors) or feel the need to enforce their power over others (think bullying or war). Social groups developed strategies to counter anti-social behaviors, call attention to the power dynamics and release social tension without creating outright conflict. This is where ideas like court jesters (who could mock the king), satire, and things like modern comedy roasts came from. Opportunities to take the mighty down a few pegs, humanize them, and remind them and those less mighty that they aren't "better than" and are still part of the community.

Strategies and Consequences

This leads us to.... self deprecation ("modest about or critical of oneself, especially humorously so") and understatement ("the presentation of something as being smaller, worse, or less important than it actually is").

Sometimes these are used for modesty (genuine or otherwise), sometimes a conscious or unconscious attempt to elicit validation and praise, sometimes for humor, sometimes to seem "cool" and "unaffected," sometimes due to low self worth, and sometimes other factors having to do with socialization/culture/etc. Sometimes it is internal and sometimes it is external. In just about every instance though it creates a social imbalance in forming a false representation of reality for some form of social impact. This is not what humility is about. For example...

Negging, the "act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or other negative comment to another person to undermine their confidence and increase their need of the manipulator's approval," shares many of the elements and names explicitly that it is specifically designed to do this to another person for personal benefit.

Overall Impact

The emphasis on humility, the virtue as we in Western society now understand it, came about as Christianity developed somewhat in response to the social behaviors above. This is pretty steeped in religious culture and I don't want to get too deep into that but while multiple world religions celebrate values of humbleness as something to aspire to, it gets twisted and taken too far sometimes. Modesty replaced humility for the majority of people. It has gotten to the point where it is better to downplay/hide/lie about your accomplishments to avoid social stigma/censure. Where expectations are so high that you arent allowed to be proud of yourself unless you are perfect (and no one is perfect) and it is seen as more socially appropriate and adaptive to cut yourself down first. Even to the extent where self worth and perception is permanently eroded because you and no one else is allowed to be proud of themselves lest they be sent to hell/banished from community for lack of humility (people with more systemic oppression experience this more acutely btw). I agree that for the most part nobody likes a braggart but suggest that learning to accept compliments and take pride in yourself is healing work. It is especially important for marginalized groups who these systems have been designed to manipulate and oppress. Over emphasizing modesty as a means to humility feeds trauma that the patriarchy and Christianity have been cashing in on for millennia to get people to dim themselves and conform.

Reflections and Proposals

What is the difference when the person saying the thing is about themselves or about someone else? What is the difference when someone is saying it to elicit "positive" change that is helpful to a larger social group (such as bringing a braggart down a peg or two) vs when someone does it to themselves (sharing praise or humble bragging or self deprecating) vs for their personal gain (getting the person at the bar to go home with them)? I am finding it harder to identify situations where these behaviors, wither intended as pro-social or not, are not perpetuating harm and oppression in some form. There have to be ways to celebrate people genuinely and humanize people to their interconnectedness with social groups without requiring more harm to be caused.

The strategies I propose to not do this anymore are:

- Build courage and resilience to have honest conversations about social dynamics and perceptions.

- Cultivating self-regard and worth that isn't dependent on putting self or others down.

- Recognizing worth and accomplishment in yourself and others without minimizing/discounting or falling into fragility traps.

- Stop being mean to yourself and others, even in jest, because it is socially manipulative one way or another even if you don't intend it to be harmful.

Autonomy Through Reliability: Thoughts on Accountability

This article, by Nora Samaran, is heavily quoted but if you want to read the whole thing for context please do so.

“Since his unquestioned limbic pattern holds that people who care about one another shall of course remain connected, he does this for me consistently, and I become able to give him his autonomy.”

The article is aimed at dismissive avoidant or narcissistic tendencied men and yet... I recognize myself in some of the things that are said and it triggered a lot of fear from a past relationship. My desire for autonomy felt like pulling away/rejection which caused pain. My lack of reliability and responsiveness in ways that were important to my partner caused them to be suspicious/resentful/hurt because of how I sought autonomy.

“Emotionally immature men who believe that autonomy is something you take, rather than

something you create, may live their lives in a continual nightmare of ‘needs they can’t meet’

that they never come to understand. They may blame everyone outside them, never perceiving

their own inability to create safety is the cause, as needs and hurt spiral up around them.”

As the author says though, this could be an example of my socialization and something I am particularly sensitive to being gaslit about. Goodness knows I had plenty of cognitive
dissonance around it.

"People socialized into femininity are encouraged to be emotionally responsive – in fact we get flak when we are not quietly nurturing of others."

The author also has a note at the very bottom of the article that is more in alignment with my
perceived self but I'm still more willing to accept in some ways that I'm the problem than the victim.

“This piece is absolutely not about people (largely from what I’m hearing queer folks, women, and femmes) who actually spend the great majority of the hours in their day objectively nurturing others and asking nothing for it.”

To me autonomy is the ability to make my own decisions about what is right for me without
needing permission/approval. It is about being solid in my own agency. It isn't about lack of
consequences or care for others but the ability to trust and be trusted that my decisions are in
alignment with my values/ethics/agreements and that I am able to adjust and change those
things as I grow and change. I can see where this would seem unreliable and inconsistent to
those who are not able to understand my thought process.

“Herein lies the paradox: if you seek autonomy, you must genuinely enjoy and want to be relied

on in an unlimited way."

I bristle at the idea of an expectation of unlimited reliability. I know that I have limits in my resources and availability. There are times when I am logistically limited (time, location, etc.) or emotionally exhausted. That isn't to say I don't want to be reliable and relied upon, however, and the author addresses this in another part of the text.

“Logistics are irrelevant as long as he never withdraws acting in an emotionally safe way.”

I am firm in a belief that you can't make anyone secure in relationship. Even if you show up
perfectly they still have to do their work.

“It definitely means each person facing their demons and doing their own emotional work, so they can handle whatever is inside them that might disrupt connection.”

They still have to choose to trust. The author mentions having touchstones and comfort items to help feel connected to their partner and their partner being consistently reliable creating a sense of trust.

“What made these objects work and created autonomy was that he willingly chose to be

emotionally available the whole time, and thus infused these objects with his accessibility.”

“If you do not want to be relied on, you can do all the same ‘acts of care’ – a towel, a postcard, cookies, wifi from the train – but you will find those whose trust you want to gain never get safe and neither do you.”

But if there wasn't also a willingness to trust then those would not have worked even if the
partner was perfectly attuned.

“Because he was raised in a more or less optimal way, he understands that if you want

autonomy, you meet emotional safety needs promptly and consistently, and your task gets

smaller and smaller."

I am also firm in a belief that you can heal relationship attachment trauma over time through attunement etc.

“Held securely this way, I become able to range further and further afield. I have room to expand my inner resourcefulness.”

“He becomes a touchstone, a soft landing, a springboard into risk and possibility.”

Someone who has anxious/avoidant attachment patterns can become more secure over time. This is EASIER if they are in relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style but ultimately requires a lot of personal work.

“When he has successfully inculcated in me the knowledge that I can readily count on him, I

quite simply need him less. I become more aware of my own feelings of autonomy, which

emerge organically when we are safe.”

I know that if I am feeling overwhelmed or stressed or am with someone with an anxious
attachment style I will want some space and if pushed can become avoidant. It feels like
over-stimulation and claustrophobia and I want to be there for my person/people/community but sometimes need a break to clear my mind or a chance to focus on something else. That doesn't mean that I don't want to be there if and when I am needed but that if I am constantly needed and not able to do my own thing sometimes I will start to burn out.

“Someone with healthy boundaries is confident enough in their own ability to say yes and no

that they can act interdependent and responsive to others without losing themselves, either in the moment or in the long term.”

I am firmest in a belief, unlike the author, that you don't owe anyone the work of healing
(yourself or them).

“Because many of us have lived through a lifetime of harm, your job if you advertise yourself as a feminist man is not only to not harm us again, it is to help us heal from the harm caused by others”

You don't need to show up for anyone (including yourself), ever.

The author does seem to use conflicting language around this idea but the idea is there that the order in which we owe each other is comfort and safety first, then self work, and then autonomy.

“Since he is willingly there for me and accepts greeting my normal emotional safety needs as

what they are – normal and meetable – I am able to meet his need for space, willingly and

voluntarily.”

“I had to push myself hard to get here, but I owe him his autonomy, and I want him to be happy.”

Someone has to go first, I suppose. Someone has to be willing to put their boundaries and needs aside for a time in order to meet the needs of the other.

“It means trusting they will want to adapt for you, while giving them the care and safety to do so.”

In our culture it seems to me that those socialized as women are more likely to put aside their needs/ wants. The author recognizes this as well.

“Patriarchy teaches women to be pliant and receptive, to adapt to maintain relationship, and most brutally, to doubt our perceptions.”

It isn't shameful to be "too much" (too broken, etc.) but neither is it to not have the resources
(spoons, patience, etc.) to show up for someone who has a lot of work/healing to do. And it doesn't make you a better person if you DO have the resources or if you are "easy to love."

“That wanting to be relied on, that subtle turning towards and full owning of his responsibility, is the condition that leads to autonomy emerging organically in the relationships around him.”

I WANT to show up as best I can for my self and people and community and I want to be with people and community who wants the same. I WANT to cultivate spaces for growth and healing and empowerment and also for breaks and backsides and loving people where they are at and adjusting boundaries accordingly.

“However, if your underlying belief is that you want to be relied on, and your limbic brain holds as an assumption that human connection is healthy, normal, and expected, then you will note small breaks in connection and quickly mend them.”

I remember this fear, of being perceived as unreliable and detached and uncaring about those I say I care about, when I want to ask for space.

“Only in seeing a whole, healthy bond in action does one understand what half of us are hurting over, what the shape of the whole picture is that many of us spend our lives attempting to complete.”

Some people are helping me to heal this wound but it is still very present. I remember this fear when I give and offer people space without question (even when it may be difficult for me) and hope that what they actually want is space and not to be pursued or coaxed into deeper connection.

“I give this freedom to him; he does not take it against my will.”

I remember this fear when I give and receive gifts and tokens so that we have things to connect us in heart even if connecting in body space is logistically challenging. I remember this fear when I send messages and set up time and check in with people because I want them to know I care.

“When the basic fabric between two people is connectedness, good faith and trust in one

another’s emotional reliability makes repairing breaks in trust easy.”

I try not to set up an expectation of availability and reliance upon me that I do not think I can
fulfill and do repair work as best I can.

“If you do not want to be relied on, if inside you, you turn angrily away from connection instead

of lovingly towards it even as your body mimics the gestures of care, everyone close to you will get more and more hurt and more and more unsafe, no matter the effort you put in to do ‘acts of care.’”

I want to be trustworthy and trusted and to never let people down. I remember this fear when I let people down.

I remember this fear when I suspect folks are using the language of reliability and autonomy to manipulate a situation to their benefit. Especially as someone who has been socialized to put my needs second and my wants last.

I do not think my former partner was unreasonable in wanting more security in our relationship and I am certain that I could have responded in a more attuned way knowing what I know now. Ultimately, though, I believe that I am, and want to be, reasonably reliable and autonomous. I am certainly not perfect but very willing to negotiate my way through in as compassionate a manner as I can.

This post might be about you: vaguebooking as a means of inducing anxiety, a study on the impacts of inspecific venting into shared community

Don't get me wrong, I've done my fair share of vague posting on social media. Almost none of it, however, has been because I was upset or venting. (Based on an informal assessment over the past year, most of it has been references to books/movies without sufficient context.)

Context is infinite and providing enough context to create understanding but not so much as to be burdensome is sometimes a delicate balance. Some people also want more context than others and what one person considers to be sufficient may not be to someone else.

Most vaguebooking, however, is a form of indirect communication and passive aggression. Something is confusing or annoying or upsetting you and you would like it to change but are unable or unwilling to communicate this directly to those involved. Perhaps you want validation. Perhaps you, on some level, hope that others involved in the situation see what you wrote and feel bad about their behavior.

One of the main forms of vaguebooking is venting, which I affectionately call Yelling Into The Void, can feel good and relieve stress in the short term especially on social media where you can receive support/validation. Except social media is not a void and there can be long term consequences for the vaguebookee and their social networks.

An aspect of being accountable in community is examining your behavior and how it impacts others. When someone seems upset and is vaguebooking about it, taking a quick inventory of your behavior to determine if you may have contributed can be an important piece of this.

While this can be taken to an extreme (not every post is about you) it is a socially connected response to not want to cause harm to others and to have a moment of anxiety, and an urge to soothe, when someone you care about is upset. Of course not everyone does this reflecting or has this urge. Some will immediately assume it is referring to someone/thing else and rush to support the vaguebookee (to humorous effect if the post is, in fact, about them).

Each of these responses have consequences in connected networks. When someone has a pattern of making vague posts it can create social anxiety with others they interact with, including a fear that at some point the posts will be about them, and a feeling of unease in the relationship or a desire to not interact closely with the person posting. With frequent posts it can cause burn out in the shared community and a lack of care over time. Without specific information regarding the situation, those who would support the vaguebookee may make assumptions about what caused the post and create social ripples based on those (possibly incorrect) assumptions. In most situations, because no direct communication has been made, the vaguebookee will not be able to resolve the situation, subsequent problems and further resentments are likely which can continue to ripple, unresolved, within the larger community. Further contributing to this, it is very rare for someone to update the shared community if/when the situation has been resolved, thus leading the shared community to have a skewed perception of the situation and those involved.

While a desire to vaguebook is fairly ubiquitous, especially with the rise of social media as a primary means of social connection for many, making an effort to be aware of, and mitigate, the potential impacts can help to reduce strife in shared community. Being clear with yourself about what you are hoping to get out of it before posting may bring light to other options which would be more likely to bring about the desired results.

References:
https://www.makeuseof.com/tag/imbecilic-art-vaguebooking/
https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/5-reasons-vaguebooking-destroying-your-relationships.html
https://www-psychologytoday-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201403/7-reasons-why-people-use-passive-aggressive-behavior?amp_js_v=a2&amp_gsa=1&amp&usqp=mq331AQECAFYAQ%3D%3D#referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&ampshare=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fus%2Fblog%2Fpassive-aggressive-diaries%2F201403%2F7-reasons-why-people-use-passive-aggressive-behavior

Why is only anonymous affection appropriate?

What got me started on this was the pseudo anonymous "honest thoughts" that are going around the facebook. Send someone a number they post their thoughts on you under that number. YOU both know who you are but the rest of the interwebz doesn't... in theory. I like it. It is a way to tell your friend that you care about them. This part is cool. But you couldn't just say it to them in a message? Why go through the bother of requesting that someone ASK for your thoughts on them and then "secretly" tell them? Maybe I missed the premise... To show that you can think about someone even though only two people know who you are talking about?

Is it because we want to love anonymously? We want to love privately? We want to share an intimate moment and for someone to know that they are held in high regard in your mind... but in secret.

We don't want to shout from rooftops. We don't want to risk a poor reaction where others can see. We don't want to shame others by loving them out loud. We are embarrassed by public displays of affection around us and towards us. We want others to love us but not to tell others why. We are uncomfortable being affectionate to those we are affectionate towards. Romantic partners are sometimes an exception but still not out loud! Still not where others can see or hear. We are uncomfortable because we don't know what is appropriate. What I may think is acceptable may send the recipient squirming.

I know that I am incredibly guilty of this. I like to think that I am very generous with my affection but I am also very private about it. I once wrote little anonymous notes of praise and thanks to everyone in my class and had the teacher hand them out. Personalized. "Thank you for always providing such good insight into class discussion." "Thank you for supporting and helping others." I don't know if I ever told anyone. And why not?! Why couldn't I go up to each of them? "Hey, I think you are really swell. I notice you do this thing that I admire. Go you." Shouldn't be that hard...

Thankfully I am not uncomfortable receiving it like some. Those who are made uncomfortable by affection, gifts, kind words, praise... Those who shrug off heartfelt words... Are they the ones who love anonymously or do they keep even that sheltered to a point where it never sees the sun?

Reach out. Tell someone what you really think about them. What you love, appreciate, admire, don't like about them. That they look good today. That you are thinking about them. That they are more than a number to you and that you are not ashamed of everyone else knowing it either.