negging/understatement as a form of humor/social manipulation/self harm

"Narcissism may look bad but insincerity looks worse." - Feminist Fight Club

Disclaimer and Purpose

This is not a Positive Vibes Only validation and I strongly believe that positivity culture is harmful. This is not saying we should all go around bragging about ourselves all the time because I believe that that will perpetuate systems of oppression and eesh I would be annoyed. This is about how there are a few patterns that are becoming more apparent to me in the way we communicate and some of my thoughts on potential harms and mitigation strategies around those patterns.

Pro-Social Behaviors

First of all, let's talk about humility. Humility in the sense of freedom from pride or arrogance as opposed to having low self-regard or a sense of unworthiness.

There is something to be said for not being too full of yourself. Having an inflated ego and constantly reminding people that you are great ESPECIALLY if it's not everyone's perception or if it is related to how you deserve special treatment/attention/etc. will make people not like you and not want to spend time with you. People with lots of power (social/physical/skill/whatever) often get recognition related to that which can be fine as long as other pro-social elements are in play but can also lead to fragility if they tie their sense of self to it (think narcissistic behaviors) or feel the need to enforce their power over others (think bullying or war). Social groups developed strategies to counter anti-social behaviors, call attention to the power dynamics and release social tension without creating outright conflict. This is where ideas like court jesters (who could mock the king), satire, and things like modern comedy roasts came from. Opportunities to take the mighty down a few pegs, humanize them, and remind them and those less mighty that they aren't "better than" and are still part of the community.

Strategies and Consequences

This leads us to.... self deprecation ("modest about or critical of oneself, especially humorously so") and understatement ("the presentation of something as being smaller, worse, or less important than it actually is").

Sometimes these are used for modesty (genuine or otherwise), sometimes a conscious or unconscious attempt to elicit validation and praise, sometimes for humor, sometimes to seem "cool" and "unaffected," sometimes due to low self worth, and sometimes other factors having to do with socialization/culture/etc. Sometimes it is internal and sometimes it is external. In just about every instance though it creates a social imbalance in forming a false representation of reality for some form of social impact. This is not what humility is about. For example...

Negging, the "act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or other negative comment to another person to undermine their confidence and increase their need of the manipulator's approval," shares many of the elements and names explicitly that it is specifically designed to do this to another person for personal benefit.

Overall Impact

The emphasis on humility, the virtue as we in Western society now understand it, came about as Christianity developed somewhat in response to the social behaviors above. This is pretty steeped in religious culture and I don't want to get too deep into that but while multiple world religions celebrate values of humbleness as something to aspire to, it gets twisted and taken too far sometimes. Modesty replaced humility for the majority of people. It has gotten to the point where it is better to downplay/hide/lie about your accomplishments to avoid social stigma/censure. Where expectations are so high that you arent allowed to be proud of yourself unless you are perfect (and no one is perfect) and it is seen as more socially appropriate and adaptive to cut yourself down first. Even to the extent where self worth and perception is permanently eroded because you and no one else is allowed to be proud of themselves lest they be sent to hell/banished from community for lack of humility (people with more systemic oppression experience this more acutely btw). I agree that for the most part nobody likes a braggart but suggest that learning to accept compliments and take pride in yourself is healing work. It is especially important for marginalized groups who these systems have been designed to manipulate and oppress. Over emphasizing modesty as a means to humility feeds trauma that the patriarchy and Christianity have been cashing in on for millennia to get people to dim themselves and conform.

Reflections and Proposals

What is the difference when the person saying the thing is about themselves or about someone else? What is the difference when someone is saying it to elicit "positive" change that is helpful to a larger social group (such as bringing a braggart down a peg or two) vs when someone does it to themselves (sharing praise or humble bragging or self deprecating) vs for their personal gain (getting the person at the bar to go home with them)? I am finding it harder to identify situations where these behaviors, wither intended as pro-social or not, are not perpetuating harm and oppression in some form. There have to be ways to celebrate people genuinely and humanize people to their interconnectedness with social groups without requiring more harm to be caused.

The strategies I propose to not do this anymore are:

- Build courage and resilience to have honest conversations about social dynamics and perceptions.

- Cultivating self-regard and worth that isn't dependent on putting self or others down.

- Recognizing worth and accomplishment in yourself and others without minimizing/discounting or falling into fragility traps.

- Stop being mean to yourself and others, even in jest, because it is socially manipulative one way or another even if you don't intend it to be harmful.