“Since his unquestioned limbic pattern holds that people who care about one another shall of course remain connected, he does this for me consistently, and I become able to give him his autonomy.”
The article is aimed at dismissive avoidant or narcissistic tendencied men and yet... I recognize myself in some of the things that are said and it triggered a lot of fear from a past relationship. My desire for autonomy felt like pulling away/rejection which caused pain. My lack of reliability and responsiveness in ways that were important to my partner caused them to be suspicious/resentful/hurt because of how I sought autonomy.
“Emotionally immature men who believe that autonomy is something you take, rather than
something you create, may live their lives in a continual nightmare of ‘needs they can’t meet’
that they never come to understand. They may blame everyone outside them, never perceiving
their own inability to create safety is the cause, as needs and hurt spiral up around them.”
As the author says though, this could be an example of my socialization and something I am particularly sensitive to being gaslit about. Goodness knows I had plenty of cognitive
dissonance around it.
"People socialized into femininity are encouraged to be emotionally responsive – in fact we get flak when we are not quietly nurturing of others."
The author also has a note at the very bottom of the article that is more in alignment with my
perceived self but I'm still more willing to accept in some ways that I'm the problem than the victim.
“This piece is absolutely not about people (largely from what I’m hearing queer folks, women, and femmes) who actually spend the great majority of the hours in their day objectively nurturing others and asking nothing for it.”
To me autonomy is the ability to make my own decisions about what is right for me without
needing permission/approval. It is about being solid in my own agency. It isn't about lack of
consequences or care for others but the ability to trust and be trusted that my decisions are in
alignment with my values/ethics/agreements and that I am able to adjust and change those
things as I grow and change. I can see where this would seem unreliable and inconsistent to
those who are not able to understand my thought process.
“Herein lies the paradox: if you seek autonomy, you must genuinely enjoy and want to be relied
on in an unlimited way."
I bristle at the idea of an expectation of unlimited reliability. I know that I have limits in my resources and availability. There are times when I am logistically limited (time, location, etc.) or emotionally exhausted. That isn't to say I don't want to be reliable and relied upon, however, and the author addresses this in another part of the text.
“Logistics are irrelevant as long as he never withdraws acting in an emotionally safe way.”
I am firm in a belief that you can't make anyone secure in relationship. Even if you show up
perfectly they still have to do their work.
“It definitely means each person facing their demons and doing their own emotional work, so they can handle whatever is inside them that might disrupt connection.”
They still have to choose to trust. The author mentions having touchstones and comfort items to help feel connected to their partner and their partner being consistently reliable creating a sense of trust.
“What made these objects work and created autonomy was that he willingly chose to be
emotionally available the whole time, and thus infused these objects with his accessibility.”
“If you do not want to be relied on, you can do all the same ‘acts of care’ – a towel, a postcard, cookies, wifi from the train – but you will find those whose trust you want to gain never get safe and neither do you.”
But if there wasn't also a willingness to trust then those would not have worked even if the
partner was perfectly attuned.
“Because he was raised in a more or less optimal way, he understands that if you want
autonomy, you meet emotional safety needs promptly and consistently, and your task gets
smaller and smaller."
I am also firm in a belief that you can heal relationship attachment trauma over time through attunement etc.
“Held securely this way, I become able to range further and further afield. I have room to expand my inner resourcefulness.”
“He becomes a touchstone, a soft landing, a springboard into risk and possibility.”
Someone who has anxious/avoidant attachment patterns can become more secure over time. This is EASIER if they are in relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style but ultimately requires a lot of personal work.
“When he has successfully inculcated in me the knowledge that I can readily count on him, I
quite simply need him less. I become more aware of my own feelings of autonomy, which
emerge organically when we are safe.”
I know that if I am feeling overwhelmed or stressed or am with someone with an anxious
attachment style I will want some space and if pushed can become avoidant. It feels like
over-stimulation and claustrophobia and I want to be there for my person/people/community but sometimes need a break to clear my mind or a chance to focus on something else. That doesn't mean that I don't want to be there if and when I am needed but that if I am constantly needed and not able to do my own thing sometimes I will start to burn out.
“Someone with healthy boundaries is confident enough in their own ability to say yes and no
that they can act interdependent and responsive to others without losing themselves, either in the moment or in the long term.”
I am firmest in a belief, unlike the author, that you don't owe anyone the work of healing
(yourself or them).
“Because many of us have lived through a lifetime of harm, your job if you advertise yourself as a feminist man is not only to not harm us again, it is to help us heal from the harm caused by others”
You don't need to show up for anyone (including yourself), ever.
The author does seem to use conflicting language around this idea but the idea is there that the order in which we owe each other is comfort and safety first, then self work, and then autonomy.
“Since he is willingly there for me and accepts greeting my normal emotional safety needs as
what they are – normal and meetable – I am able to meet his need for space, willingly and
voluntarily.”
“I had to push myself hard to get here, but I owe him his autonomy, and I want him to be happy.”
Someone has to go first, I suppose. Someone has to be willing to put their boundaries and needs aside for a time in order to meet the needs of the other.
“It means trusting they will want to adapt for you, while giving them the care and safety to do so.”
In our culture it seems to me that those socialized as women are more likely to put aside their needs/ wants. The author recognizes this as well.
“Patriarchy teaches women to be pliant and receptive, to adapt to maintain relationship, and most brutally, to doubt our perceptions.”
It isn't shameful to be "too much" (too broken, etc.) but neither is it to not have the resources
(spoons, patience, etc.) to show up for someone who has a lot of work/healing to do. And it doesn't make you a better person if you DO have the resources or if you are "easy to love."
“That wanting to be relied on, that subtle turning towards and full owning of his responsibility, is the condition that leads to autonomy emerging organically in the relationships around him.”
I WANT to show up as best I can for my self and people and community and I want to be with people and community who wants the same. I WANT to cultivate spaces for growth and healing and empowerment and also for breaks and backsides and loving people where they are at and adjusting boundaries accordingly.
“However, if your underlying belief is that you want to be relied on, and your limbic brain holds as an assumption that human connection is healthy, normal, and expected, then you will note small breaks in connection and quickly mend them.”
I remember this fear, of being perceived as unreliable and detached and uncaring about those I say I care about, when I want to ask for space.
“Only in seeing a whole, healthy bond in action does one understand what half of us are hurting over, what the shape of the whole picture is that many of us spend our lives attempting to complete.”
Some people are helping me to heal this wound but it is still very present. I remember this fear when I give and offer people space without question (even when it may be difficult for me) and hope that what they actually want is space and not to be pursued or coaxed into deeper connection.
“I give this freedom to him; he does not take it against my will.”
I remember this fear when I give and receive gifts and tokens so that we have things to connect us in heart even if connecting in body space is logistically challenging. I remember this fear when I send messages and set up time and check in with people because I want them to know I care.
“When the basic fabric between two people is connectedness, good faith and trust in one
another’s emotional reliability makes repairing breaks in trust easy.”
I try not to set up an expectation of availability and reliance upon me that I do not think I can
fulfill and do repair work as best I can.
“If you do not want to be relied on, if inside you, you turn angrily away from connection instead
of lovingly towards it even as your body mimics the gestures of care, everyone close to you will get more and more hurt and more and more unsafe, no matter the effort you put in to do ‘acts of care.’”
I want to be trustworthy and trusted and to never let people down. I remember this fear when I let people down.
I remember this fear when I suspect folks are using the language of reliability and autonomy to manipulate a situation to their benefit. Especially as someone who has been socialized to put my needs second and my wants last.
I do not think my former partner was unreasonable in wanting more security in our relationship and I am certain that I could have responded in a more attuned way knowing what I know now. Ultimately, though, I believe that I am, and want to be, reasonably reliable and autonomous. I am certainly not perfect but very willing to negotiate my way through in as compassionate a manner as I can.
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